However, after spending just over a week with them I have been reminded of just what an epic adventure parenthood is, and that it is SERIOUSLY not for the faint hearted, so I am writing this as I take my proverbial hat off to all parents out there, particularly those raising children (for whatever reason they came to being in this situation) as a single parent.
You ALL need some big-ass-gold-and-diamond-medals on a daily basis...
My fragile ego has been challenged each and every time I approach one of them for a hug and I am rejected. The part of me that is still a control freak is challenged when they point blank refuse to complete the simplest of tasks. The constant tidying and washing up, the washing machine that never stops. The late night tantrums, wetting of the bed, and wanting a drink before bed.
As I navigate this labyrinth of miniature person development, I am putting all of the tools I have learned over the last 8 years into real life practice on a momentary basis, and that is putting it mildly. No wonder saints of old would hide in a cave for 100 years and meditate and emerged is emnlightned beings, and monks took vows of celibacy! This ish is not to be taken lightly, and
Being here has confirmed that if I hadn't have already had my children there's no way I would have had them now at this age. I give thanks each day that I chose to have my children when I did, although at the time it was tough, and I did a less than perfect job, at least I had the limitless energy required to be constantly on the go from 6am (or earlier) to midnight, that is required every day in order to keep the house functioning and food on the table and clean clothes, and a relatively clean house.
Just writing about I find myself holding my breath at how much work it is to take care of another human being. And then we are expected to teach how to be good, and gentle and kind. On top of that encouraging them to have boundaries and say "no" but also be able to live in this world, while maintaining their free spirits and wild nature that is so joyous and beautiful to behold, until its bedtime and "no" is the only word, and you want to force them to put on their pyjamas and the answer is still "no". And the stand off occurs, with tiny brow furrowed in exhausted stubbornness, that even though he is so tired he wants to go to bed, he knows he is winding you up and taking the most pleasure and fun he's had all day in so doing.
This parenting lark is no lark, it is not a job to be done single handed. It begs the mutual partnership of at least two people. Two people who love each other, and care about the development of the precious heart, mind and spirit of the tiny human they have been given the privilege of bringing into this world (whether biologically or not, we call in the people we are to interact with in our lifetimes).
So please, anyone out there who is struggling and finding this parenting thing tough, know you are not alone. it is hard work, and it is ok that you feel inadequate, scared and lonely.
Here are a few tips I have picked up along the way that might help a little:
- Breathe. Breathe deeply. All the time. When you feel yourself contracting in anger, frustration, anxiety and any other uncomfortable emotion, breathe more deeply. Take a step away from the situation and breathe. As you breathe your nervous system will calm down, and the situation will seem easier. Do it now. Take three long deep breaths and see if you don't feel a tiny bit better about your day.
- Smile at your child when you see them. No matter what they have done or not done, smiling is a powerful tool to build the self worth of your child, and to let them know that you love them unconditionally, no matter how pissed off with them you are. Breathe and smile. Once you are calm you can deal with the situation at hand.
- Soothe your precious inner child. If you are like most adults in this society you are likely to have been raised in a fairly codependent and unhealthy family culture. Which will mean that your inner child still ahs some growing up to do. The inner child will be jealous of the love and attention you are lavishing on your child, and want some for herself. Make sure you give her the love and attention she needs. Even if it's just a few moments before you go and take care of your child, especially if the child is crying and screaming for attention. Take a moment and breathe, and let hold your hands to your heart, and let your inner child know he is loves, and that you are doing a great job, you are doing the best you can, and that you love him.
- Learn to ask for help. Everyone is busy, and you may not have many friends or family around you who can or are willing to help. But ask anyway, and keep asking, even if the answer is usually a "no" ask again. And ask your angels, your spiritual team, God and your ancestors for help and the courage to be the most loving you can be in each moment. Before you even open your eyes in the morning give thanks for those precious lives and ask for help, and set an intention to love more unconditionally than you were able to the day before.
- Drink more water. When we drink plenty of water our nervous system gets properly hydrated which means we are able to better process what we are feeling, and as such are calmer and better equipped to handle the daily mundane duties and challenges and joys that come with being a parent.
- Be gentle with you. You are doing the very best you can. When you find it hard, take this as an opportunity to love yourself more not less. Remind yourself that you are doing your best and that if you could do better you would be. You are allowed to make a mistake. When you are allowed to make mistakes, it is good modelling for your children to see self compassion in action. Be gentle with yourself. You are doing your best.
- Turn off the TV and your phone and read a parenting book for half an hour. Even though it may have seemed like we had a wonderful childhood, many of us will have picked up some funky family traditions and parenting behaviours that we may not be aware of. It's hard to admit we don't know what the fuck we are doing, and you don't have to, just go find a parenting book that resonates and read a little bit each day. I recommend checking out what Hay House have to offer, especially children's affirmation books by Louise L Hay. Not all parenting books are great, so do a bit of research first and ask friends what they have read.
That's all for now I think.
Parenting is a wonderful thing. The blessings and joy we receive from our children far outweigh the hard times, but sometimes its nice to know that you aren't alone in finding it less easy than its portrayed on TV and in the books, especially when you are doing it on your own.
Be gentle with yourself and love yourself more not less, no matter what.
Thanks for checking out my blog, I hope something in it touched you and if nothing else, stopped you from beating yourself up for not being the "perfect parent", whatever that is.
Breathe.
Feel free to leave comments below, and share and also leave some recommendations of books that have helped you. One of mine is Daring Greatly by Brene Brown. Its not technically a parenting book, but she is an amazing author on social and family norms and culture, and the book has some really beautiful suggestions in it on how to parent in a more emotionally healthy and vulnerable way.
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