... I attended a CoDA meeting for the first time, and committed to working on the codependency issues that had plagued me all my life.
Six years later, as I get ready for bed, my heart is full and I am experiencing the most authentic serenity so far. I had a little cry earlier, and acknowleged how I was feeling. To myself and a trusted friend.
Above all else, in this moment I'm exhausted and I have some lists of positive aspects, appreciations and I have decided to bring back to my evening journalling (time permitting) writing a few things I have achieved as a way to remind myself how far I've come and how well I'm doing.
I just wanted to share some things I've learnt over the last six years as part of my journey of finding and falling in love with my Self.
- It truly is all about the journey. I find this one a tough one to authentically connect with at times, but there have been moments when I have accepted that I will never get "there" and that the experiences I'm having in each moment make this life. Not the goal I am en route to achieving. That puts my happiness in the future rather than in each moment.
- Water is a powerful healer. I need to drink at least two litres a day to feel balanced and hydrated. When I don't, I feel like Im missing something, and I don't think clearly. I become less focused and tend to snack more. I also need to have at least three baths, with sea salt, a week. They are vital to relaxing my body, and drawing out the toxic emotions that get trapped in my muscles.
- I love hugs. As a highly dysfunctional child I hated being touched, and pushed away love. Having grown up believing the stories my immature mind had created, that my parents didn't love me, that there wasn't enough love to go round, and that I was unworthy of love because of all the naughty things I did. As I carried these beliefs into my teen years (perpetuated as I made more mistakes and got deeper into a "sinful" lifestyle of sex, partying, marijuana and alcohol) I didn't understand non sexual contact, and would find it almost impossible to hug my children, or show them any affection at all. Since learning to love myself, I am aware that I love touching and being touched, and that I really love hugs. I love giving hugs. I love receiving hugs. Hugs are so good for my soul.
- If I want to dance I must dance. In 2013 I went to Bali and fell in love with everything about the place. Particularly the dancing. On the second night my friend and I went to a wonderful restaurant where they had live Balinese dancers performing a "traditional" story using dance. It was awesome, and at the end they invited people from the audience to go on stage and learn a few moves and get involved. With all my being I wanted to go and do it, partly because the lead drummer was so beautiful I wanted to show off for him, but mostly becaue I love to dance and it looked like a lot of fun. I didn't allow myself to do it, and spent several days beating myself up for missing such a lovely opportunity. From that moment I promised myself (and my inner child) that if ever I had an opportunity to dance, I would take it. Even if it was scary. Even if it meant I had to ask to be included. Even if it might mean I look stupid, I would dance. And from that moment I have honoured that promise.
- Everything happens FOR me, not TO me. One of the key traits of codependency is victim mentality. I was so caught in my victim-ness that I would blame everyone and everything for why my life was so shit. I never knew to take responsibility. And I sure as shit would never apologise for anything. Anytime anything bad happened I would immediately go into victim mode, and meltdown using drugs (of which I include alcohol), work, shopping, cleaning, not eating or sex as a way to self medicate. Since being in recovery of my Self, and learning to love myself I still go into victim, because it's a more practiced and comfortable way to handle problems. But because I am trying to be present and work through any challenges that arise, I am more and more able to see the blessings in each experience rather than focusing on what seems to be going wrong. Now I do my best to not go into victim mode. I don't get it right always. But it's something I strive for.
- Life is meant to be fun. My inner child needs to have fun on a regular basis.
- It's ok for people to tell me "no".
- It is safe to ask for my needs and wants to be met - regardless of the outcome. This ties in with number 7.
- It's important for me to not get Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired (HALT). If things seem to be triggering me easily or I'm feeling agitated I stop and ask myself what I need and how I'm feeling. I take notice of my on er child who sometimes needs an afternoon nap, who sometimes wants something sweet, and who sometimes just wants to hear a loving voice at the end of a phone, or receive a hug. I do my best to identify what's going on, and then fulfil the basic need I have identified as lacking in my experience. Wherever possible. I give to myself, and I ask for help when necessary.
- I have learned how to ask for help. This one is massive, and I could write a ten page essay on how hard I find it asking for help. Not demanding. Asking. It's amazing the kinds of emotions that are triggered when I ask for help. The main one being shame. However, each time I do ask for help, even if the response is "no" the shame gets smaller, as I step out of the comfort zone, chip away at the ego a little bit more, and let go of the attachment to the outcome I want. Learning how to ask for help has been one of my biggest spiritual lessons so far.
I could go on, but I am tired and it's time to take care of me and not try and write something perfectly but just put it out there.
I'm not perfect, and I have so much work to do. But that's all part of the fun.
As Abraham Hicks says, we are perfectly and always incomplete.
This life is not about getting anything done, it's about enjoying the ride, breathing deeply, laughing a lot and hugging.
When I left a well paid job, with amazing prospects in January 2009 so I could follow my heart, and pursue the most noble goal I could think of - discovering and recovering me - I know people thought I had gone mad.
Going sane feels like you're going mad.
I have at times pondered with a hint of regret (when I can't go on holiday, or make the rent payment in full) the choices I made, the things and people I walked away from, and what I gave up. I didn't know at the time what or who would be left when I let go of the sexual dysfunction, the men, the drinking, the partying. What would be left? Who would I be?
But when I think about the alternative, I know I made the right choice. I needed to live, not just exist. I needed to feel, not just get by. I needed to know and love me. Today, I am still a work in progress, but I am a more authentic, loving and gentle version of me than I ever thought possible.
I'm sure I've used this quote before, but it sums up my journey so well.
Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming "Wow! What a Ride!
Hunter S. Thompson
I started writing this because I wanted to thank you for being an important part of my journey so far.
Thank you
Thank you
Thank you
That's all.
Thank you